Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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