you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
