Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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