??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
