I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
