i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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