I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
dude. I can hear the air.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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