he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
