i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
