I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
