besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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