Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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