It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
