My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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