Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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