Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
The ass gains better be worth it
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
