I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
