That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
