Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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