i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my sisters under your porch take her home
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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