i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
