Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
