ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
