Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
