Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize