She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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