I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
