So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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