It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
