omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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