you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
