3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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