Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
