she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
