Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The beer is more important than you right now.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
