My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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