There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
