ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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