The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize