Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
