how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
