I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
