Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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