Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
