I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
