Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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