my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
how do flat chested girls get laid?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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