I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
