So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
