it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
we're so committed to being not committed
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
