bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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