i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
