I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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