6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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