Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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