chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
