More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I am naked and annoyed.
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