Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
