My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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