Need sex. Gaining weight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
