I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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