Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
