Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
