I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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